Discovering the person you love most, who is about to separate or divorce, can be excruciatingly painful. When your world has been turned upside down and you are trying to understand things, it can lead the most sensible person to act and behave in a way that is completely atypical. Here are six life hacks to help alleviate heartache during divorce and ease the incessant chatter of the monkey mind (that’s the Buddhist term for a troubled or troubled mind).

Tips for Relieving Heartache During Divorce

1. Establish a strong intention

They are not your divorce story or all of the other terrible divorce stories you’ve heard of. You are powerful and it is entirely up to you to decide who you become during this time, even if other people are not playing fair or kindly.

The intention you set at the beginning of your divorce process will help set the tone for the future. What do you stand for How do you want to show up?

Kind? Compassionate? Not judgmental or generous? I admit these traits are not generally associated with divorce. However, they are the qualities that will help you heal and get a happier result.

Using these traits won’t make you a pushover. You still need to set healthy boundaries, they will help you feel less like on a runaway train out of control! By setting a clear intention, you can refocus your energy and stop behaving in ways that can be detrimental to your future and well-being

Tip: Establish the intent to control the way you communicate and show up during your divorce.

2. Start a journal

It is best to get your thoughts and feelings out of your head and on paper. Otherwise, you could end up in a crazy 8 loop asking the same questions over and over. “Why me? What did I do wrong?” This type of questioning leads you into a spiral of self-doubt, self-accusation, confusion, and criticism.

Writing your thoughts in a journal on paper will allow you to unload and separate them. This gives you the opportunity to break free from the noise of the monkey spirit and sit back and think. As we observe our thoughts and feelings, we begin to see our limiting beliefs and thought patterns. We can question our assumptions and begin to control the areas we want to change.

Tip: Check for repetition of themes or beliefs. Pick one and start questioning your assumptions. As you write, ask new questions like, “What else could this mean? What can I learn from it? What can I do to shift my focus? “

3. You don’t have to react to every emotion you feel

Feelings, especially difficult and uncomfortable ones, tend to intensify and reach a crescendo point. Usually triggered by an external event, an unexpected e-mail, misunderstanding or disappointment, we often strike, which often makes the situation worse for ourselves.

When we are emotionally triggered, the feeling we have in that particular moment is often related to previous experiences and past meanings. In the first three years of a child’s life, the ego (identity) is formed, and this is the sense of self we have about people and the world around us. The ego is often referred to as the “false self” as it contains all of the misunderstandings, false beliefs and assumptions about us that form our “wound”. This is often the internalized critic and the part of us that believes we are unworthy and unpopular.

Tip: The key is to take a step back and make room. Do this by slowing down and taking responsibility for your feelings. See if you can observe what you are feeling, experience the feelings in your body, and notice all of the sensations. Understand that you don’t have to act on them. Under every emotion there is a positive impulse to satisfy an unmet need. What’s under your emotion? What do you need?

4. Stop Cyberstalking Your Ex

Cyberstalking with your ex is one of the worst things you can do to yourself as you are constantly surrendering your power to circumstances that are beyond your control.

Breaking a relationship bond is a challenge. People are hardwired to belong to a tribe. We form primary bonds for security reasons and would rather have a negative bond with someone than none at all. The constant stalking makes us feel like we are still connected, even if it is a negative connection.

It’s time to put yourself first and focus on taking care of yourself. If you keep your attention on your ex, it will take longer to heal.

Tip: Either take yourself out of social media or unfriend your previous partner on Facebook, Instagram or other platforms. In your mind, start taking care of yourself, doing things that show love and appreciation for the beautiful soul that you are.

5. Breathe and do some exercise

You might want to sit on the couch and immerse yourself in Netflix, but exercising is a must if you want to regain control of your emotions.

Stress has a huge impact on your body and it is important to get your body moving at this point to increase your serotonin and dopamine levels. When we’re stressed, we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode and our adrenal glands increase cortisol production, which in turn increases our blood sugar levels. Cortisol suppresses our immune system and stimulates the digestive system, which increases stomach acid and causes nausea. This feeling of stomach sickness is very real and is due in part to the rise in cortisol levels.

Get out in the fresh air as much as possible. Being in nature can be very grounding and connects us to the source of energy. When you feel the sun and wind on your face, you are transported into the present moment. See if you can be mindful and connect with the beauty around you, the sounds of the birds, the trees and the vastness of life instead of the limitation you may experience in your daily life.

Tip: To ease heartache during divorce, consider hiring a buddy to work out. This person should hold you accountable if your inner sloth is running the show. Dance to your favorite music in your living room, go for a walk, run or do yoga. Everything that gets your body moving and breathes differently.

6. It’s not personal

I know it feels very personal, especially when you are the person who has been abandoned. However, if someone is acting rude or makes you feel unloved, unworthy, or disappointed, remember: people’s behavior tells you more about them than you do.

Your reaction to their behavior will show what you need to heal within yourself. Whenever you can, do your best not to judge your ex’s actions. Know what you mean by that.

Tip: Realize that only you can choose to be kind to yourself. Practice small kind acts and make sure you do something you love every day. It doesn’t have to be big or expensive, it can be a relaxing bath, meet a friend for coffee, wear your favorite dress, or do something outside of your comfort zone.

Remember, you are powerful even when you don’t feel like it, and your power lies in your ability to make decisions. To ease heartache during divorce, remember that time is not the broken hearted healer. Now is the time for you to focus on your wellbeing and your children when you have them.